Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’d … I’d rather not.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me trying to reach for my goals
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
how it started vs how it ended
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Trumpy Cat
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”