I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
You Might Also Like
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.