“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Guy who likes music
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to