The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.