At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed