Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
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Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
😅🤣😂
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero