Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.