Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My friend is an excellent librarian.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
necessity is the mother of invention
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.