I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
favorite tropes as memes
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.