Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???