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I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right