*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.