There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Zack Greinke stories are the best
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.