*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
This meal prepping shit easy
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up