break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Morning.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.