I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
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Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.