I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth