I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
🤣😂
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
dam girl
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL