[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*