Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”