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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.