just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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