it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
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No, why?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
How do dragons blow out candles?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
We need more people like this.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.