{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.