here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.