her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
same vibe as tangled headphones
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.