Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
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[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
He-man has a Masters degree
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community