I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
wow
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.