I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
You Might Also Like
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My purse is deeper than some people.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*