Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….