Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you