If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.