Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.