My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
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Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*