they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
No way!
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Found the job I’m suited for
Ape together strong
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I camp so other people don’t have to.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”