interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
i- i did not expect this
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.