DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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Very good! 👍😂
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep