13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
How funny!
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
This line from Airplane.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace