Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.