My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!