Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
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Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Oh, I bet you would be
Story of my life…..
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.