When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
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911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.