Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
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[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can鈥檛 believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn鈥檛 any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I鈥檓 very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Halloween cuteness.. 馃巸
馃帴 IG: mr.smokey21
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
me: it鈥檚 okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it鈥檚 hypothetical
5: what鈥檚 hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there鈥檚 gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE