What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
the battle rages on
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today