“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ