Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.