The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
You Might Also Like
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I don’t share cheese on the first date.