Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?