My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go