I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
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Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Ken is short for chicken
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.